I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
