I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
