i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize