new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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