A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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