my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
they're like a gay fantastic four
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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