I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
