Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
