She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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