Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
