no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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