The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have aggressive nipples.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
