I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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