Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
