I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize