I should be sponsored by Trojan
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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