my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
only if we run a train.
done.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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