i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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