How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
