was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
50% drunk capacity currently
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
