I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
