I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
