My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
