I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize