There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
soo... how was my night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
