I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
