she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
