My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
