this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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