There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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