Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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