now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
