Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
