dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
