She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
