she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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