Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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