did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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