Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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