I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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