For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
