I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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