I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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