I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
