I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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