Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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