I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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