Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
