sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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