You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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