i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize