If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
