Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
