I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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