when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
