I hate all girls vehemently.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
