No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
