Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
