A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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