Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
