I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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