So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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