In the future we'll all be gay
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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