umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
